First off, I am sorry I have been silent. I am physically sick and have spent the whole weekend in bed. I manage to work all day, then come home to sleep. Tonight is the first night I am awake.
Last Wednesday, I felt led to rid my house of all junk food. Yes, my house, because I have goodies not just in my kitchen but other places as well. You know what I am talking about. I gave all of my food to Claudia. Which, in a way, was a cruel thing to do to Claudia. (Thanks, you are the best, didn't mean to tempt you). Let me try to describe what happened to me. As I am purging my house of this food that is not good for me, I felt freedom. I felt sad. I was saying goodbye to my best friend. Yes, my best friend. My comfort, my joy, my validation, my security, and my god. I had to completely humble myself and accept responsibility for the choices that I was making. I had to look at myself and realize that I am responsible for the extra fat on my body, the reason for my feelings of being not heard. My desire to stuff my feelings down. My comfort in the food instead of Jesus. My laziness to just eat and not try to exercise my body. I found relief from eating massive amounts of calories instead of facing the emotions that I didn't want to. The realization that I am alone, single, childless, and very scared of living outside of my comfort zone. Not really wanting to surrender that part of myself to God. Ask Him what His plan is for me that day. Should I be at the gym working out my daily frustrations? In His Word searching for that promise that I need to hold onto? On my knees interceding for some lost soul, my family members, my co-workers. I cannot imagine Jesus went to the cross so I can sit on my behind ignoring the life He wants me live more abundantly. I am worshipping the world and my flesh in those moments.
As I am packing up the food, I am crying like I haven't cried in years. Heart wrenching sobs that took my breathe away, I realized in the moment, I am not alone. Jesus is there right along side me encouraging me and in my mind smiling. I didn't see Him of course, but my Spirit had such a peace and comfort, I hold onto His promise that He never leaves or forsakes us. I am asking..no begging Him to fill this emptyness that I felt at that moment. Who knew cleaning out cabinets would be so emotional?
Now, a week has passed. While being sick isn't helping, I have realized how much my daily frustations were covered by food. Now when I come home I have to eat healthy food (which I never seem to overindulge with those, am I right, or am I right?) I have to face my feelings. While I am not really enjoying it too much, I do feel that I am growing. Growing more dependent of my Savior. I am growing in my prayer life. I am trusting more. Praise you Jesus! To all the glory and honor goes to Him!
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